You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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