just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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