That's intense
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
