We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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