I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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