she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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