is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
