dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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