that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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