my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
