y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
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