Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
