from now on my penis is your penis
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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