I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You smell like stripper and shame
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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