ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
