So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
