How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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