I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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