That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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