Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
