I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
