I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
he thought i was a dude.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
