She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
