I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
