I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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