Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
did you just send me my own nude
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
