I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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