Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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