I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
