I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
