whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
