You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
