Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
