he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
