somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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