Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
