my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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