My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
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I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
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Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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