Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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