Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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