I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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