my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
