oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
