I hate all girls vehemently.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
They are going to name an STD after you.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
