I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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