theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
