I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
