walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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