And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
