I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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