I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
