when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
