Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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