My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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