i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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