my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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