yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
